My reflection in the mirror

I did something that I don’t normally do today. I looked into a mirror while I was out in public. On regular day, I’ll check myself out a bit as I get ready, just to make sure I don’t have toothpaste on my mouth, or something stuck in my hair. After I get out the door though, I rely on faith that nothing terrible will happen that I might not catch. When I do absolutely have to face-off, I kinda do an overall check, without actually focusing in on the details of the reflection staring back.

It’s not that I have a phobia of mirrors or anything. It’s more like a phobia of myself. I don’t want to see the “me” that everyone else is seeing. I’m scared that my reflection might show something that I am not prepared to handle.

When I’m at home, there’s just me, the person I’ve been all my life. I see her everyday, I know what to expect. But the minute I step out of the door, all of that changes. At that time, I become subject to constant comparison of every other person I see. Do I look better than that woman? Is she cuter than me, smaller than me, more normal than me? Are they happier than I am? I feel caught up in the standards of the world around me, and I honestly have a very hard time being able to tell where I fit in. Rather than subject myself to all that, most of the time I just choose not to look at all.

Sometimes though, something happens and I find myself gazing into my own eyes. Maybe I feel really great, and I want to enjoy the few times I can see my own beauty. Or maybe I’ve had a horrible day, and I look at my own anguish, trying to find something to move me forward. Today I was just looking, hoping to find a glance of me, who I am really am, or maybe who I’m supposed to be.

Today I saw this movie where the main character was a 26 year-old guy, thrown into a situation above his head, just trying to make it. Ultimately, he realizes that he just doesn’t know where he’s going, but that the path thus far isn’t the right one. God, I feel like that all the time. Most of the people that I know feel like that too. When I looked into my post-college handbook, I must have missed the “Feel completely lost and uncertain about what you really want” chapter. All I was ever taught was that you go to college, get a great career, and live happily ever after. I had no idea that things could derail before ever getting started, or that there was such a thing as a “quarter-life” crisis. Is there some kind of secret conspiracy at work here? Why didn’t anyone tell me to watch out for this?

I just can’t seem to get myself on steady ground anymore. I can’t seem to solidify any relationship, I’m not satisfied with my job, and I still can’t make a decision on what I want to do in the future. I know “I want more in life”, but I’m not even sure what that statement means anymore. I’ve planned yet another move to try and make some sense of things, but I’m not sure that will help things either. In a way, I feel like I’m avoiding the problems in my life the same way I do the mirror, only I feel helpless to solve them.

I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed with all for a bit now, and the movie really pushed it to the forefront of my mind. It also pushed me to stare into that bathroom mirror. As I stood there, I allowed my eyes to really focus on what I was seeing. I even got a little closer, so I could see all the blemishes, and I turned so that I could get a side view. What I saw wasn’t glamorous. I am still not the gorgeous creature I wish I was, and my eyes don’t have the sparkle of someone in love with life. But I didn’t see someone horrid either, even with all the imperfections right there on the surface, so maybe there’s some hope for me. All in all, things were ok, and I made it through the experience intact. I just hope I can make it through this period in my life the same way.