Here's my brand new start

I know that I've been gone for a minute. Some might even say three months. I 've tried hard to write some entries just to get back in the game, but nothing seemed to flow just right. So like the timid sunbather who shyly sticks her toe in the pool to test the water, I've decided the only way to overcome my fear of the deep is just to jump all the way in. Here's a quick update.

Over the last three months, I've made quite a few changes, most notably a change in location. Goodbye arid Idaho, and hello humid North Carolina! I finally got up the nerve to go through with the transfer @ my job, so I'm now offically located on the East Side. Thanks to my five years in Atlanta, I think I've adjusted to the local atmosphere pretty quickly, and I feel at peace with my move.

I guess leaving Boise got me energized all around, because I've definitely and for sure decided to go back to school! I know I've had that in the works for a while, but this is the first time that it's really felt like a fact to me... It's a long way off, a whole year away, but best believe I'll be in somebody's doctorate program Fall 2006.

Things are looking up at work too. One of the reasons I decided to move was to gain opportunities for promotion, and although I've barely been here for two months, I'm already lightyears ahead of my situation in Boise. After 4 grueling rounds of interviews, I should find out in the next few days if I've finally earned that elusive 4-walled 'unit manager' cubicle I've always yearned for. Wish me luck y'all!

About the worst part of all this was leaving my family behind. I knew that it would be hard to face not being able to see my nephews by just walking down the hall, but I had no idea that it would feel like part of my heart was ripped out! I imagine have a four-year old beg you to "just get in your car and come see me", should be labled as cruel and unusual punishment. Alas life goes on...

I know that this is a bit of a cheat, but I just wanted to get a few words out there. I promise to stay more updated in the near future. Talk to you soon!

Can You be My BOY Friend?

So yes, Gian, I’m back from the trip. It was great, and I think I did a pretty good job being myself, all in all. I got along with the guys well, although I fear I might have talked a few of them to death. My girl and I had no real issues, which actually was a surprise. I let her see my crazier side, and she didn’t freak out. In fact she joined in a bit, so it was cool. Sorry to report that I didn’t do anything too wild (well… made out w/ one guy in the club, but that’s hardly worth any excitement!) Other than a bit of a hangover from overdrinking my first night, it was a pretty mellow trip. One thing did happen that I want to write about though.

At dinner one night, for some reason I started talking about which of my guy friends I thought was the least attracted to me. That discussion sparked a question about who I thought might be the most attracted to me. I was at a loss about how to answer that, worried about the repercussions the answer might bring. Thankfully others were caught off guard too, so there was a bit of a ruckus, and I got off the hook without having to say anything. But it got me thinking about a theory that I’ve heard time and time again, about friendships between men and women.

Chris Rock says that men and women can never really truly be friends. According to him, basically any man that acts like your friend is just waiting for his chance to screw you. I don’t know if I believe that, but I read something else that I do agree with. In I Wish I had a Red Dress, by Pearl Cleage, one character lays out an idea about the ways men and women can be friends. Basically there are four different relationships, all based on sexual attraction. I didn’t wanna mess this up, so I actually referred back to the book.

First, both people can openly acknowledge that there’s some sort of attraction. This normally ends up with them going at it at some point, unless there is some type of obstacle that stands in their way, like a marriage. Obviously, this hardly ever ends in a real platonic friendship, because love/lust gets in the way.

Next is where only one party is attracted to the other. This type of relationship can last for a long time, with both parties getting along just fine. Then one day, the undercover admirer reaches a breaking point, and it all comes out. Definitely a delicate situation, and one that happens all the time. You’re hanging out with some guy/chick you think is cool, and the next minute someone’s making a declaration of love! It’s hard to bounce back after that, and this normally signifies the end of that relationship.

So what if neither party is attracted to the other? Well in this case, the friendship is doomed to fail. Normally these relationships are pretty simple and surface. When their reason for existence is removed, they just sort of dwindle and fade away. I think of this as the guys that I work with. We’re cool, but I don’t make attempts to spend quality extracurricular time.

Finally, there’s the one that I relate to the most. It where there’s some underlying pull between the pair, but both parties are unable and/or unwilling to act on those feelings. That energy is transferred into developing other types of connections, and creates the bond of friendship between the two. This is where real, deep friendships come from.

This is hardly a new topic, but this presentation really caught my attention, and I’ve kept it in the back of my mind ever since. The more I think about it, the more that I believe that it’s true. I’ve evaluated just about every relationship I have with a man, and excepting those with family members, I could classify them in one of these categories.

It’s easy to discount this at first glance, especially if you equate sexual attraction primarily with physical attraction. For me, I know that’s not always true. Hell, it's not even mostly true. Yes, a guy may be the hottest man in the room, causing a physical attraction. But another can make me laugh, cheer me up, and lift my spirits, appealing to me on an emotional level. And still another can intrigue me intellectually, challenge what I believe, and draw me mentally. I’m sure there are other types of attraction, but these would definitely be things I look for in a guy I’d date. And if they have any of the same feelings for me, then we have a match. Ironically, that doesn’t necessarily mean a romantic interest, because I wouldn’t dream of dating most of them.
But the underlying attraction is still what makes our friendship possible.

So if you read this, I’d like to know what you think. Do you think that men and women can be friends, no strings attached? Let me know!

Fun in the Sun

I'm going on a trip, a trip, a trip! I'm so excited to get away for this weekend. Soon, (in the next 48 hours, I'll be basking in the warm glow of the San Diego sun, with six of my closest friends.

Actually, with two of my closest friends, and three guys that I would count as friends if I knew them better. As happy as I am, I'm a bit apprehensive about this weekend, for a couple of different reasons.

Sidenote: I've notice lately I haven't blogged all the topics that I want to, because a few things have made we strongly aware of the lack of anonymity I have on here. I don't like the idea of having anything I write interepreted in a hurtful way towards people I care about, I just want to be honest about how I feel. That said, here are my reasons.

Reason 1- I really don't know everyone very well. Up to now, when I've gone somewhere with these guys it was always in a pretty large group. Even the times that I spent with them in college normally surrounded some type of event. A party, a dinner, or whatever. Those types of situations allowed me to do something that I'm pretty good at, avoid being the center of attention. Sure, I'm always somewhat social with all, but I tend to quiet down, stick to the sidelines a bit. I normally spend most of the time talking with the people I feel closest to, notably C-Breezy. With less people, the dynamic is sure to change, and I may have to open up a little more than I'm used to. That thought does scare me a little, but since I like these people, I'm sure it'll be alright. Lord knows, Panama says enough for us all, so I'll probably get of the hook anyway!

Reason 2- I'm close to both of the girls going this time, but I know that I tend to be drawn towards one more than the other most of the time. And both the times that I've gone on these getaways, the other girl didn't come. I'm slightly worried that this might cause a little tension at the beginning, cause she's never seen me behave like the rest of these people have. Funny thing is, the group is acutally seeing more of who am really am now, as a person. I'm concerned that she might not like my actions, or my interactions with people that are essentially her friends. It may sound silly, but I know how that is, cause I've been in that same spot. Still, if we can come to some happy compromise, I'm sure things will work out fine. Bottom line, I'm gotta be me, right? And you either accept it or don't.

Those are pretty much my only concerns, other than what to wear, and what to pack. This vacation is right on time, at the end of a very long project at work. And since my own computer has been down for the count for a few days (the stupid monitor broke), I definitely need something other activity to relieve my stress. I hope everyone is ready to have some fun! I sure am. If you're going, see you tomorrow! If not, we'll write all about when we get back.

Let's Hear it For the Boys, Hollywood Style!

DISCLAIMER: This blog does not contain one word of insightful thought, so if that's what you're looking for... check back in a few days (or read below)!

I've decided to write a blog to commemorate all the men involved in my Hollywood love life! These men are fine, and all of them deserve their moment in my spotlight! Give 'em love y'all!


BLACK ACTORS

MORRIS CHESTNUT

WHY I LOVE HIM: This should be self-explanatory. Morris is the finest man out there, hands down! This is pure perfection... Refer back if you ever forget what it looks like.
FAVORITE FEATURE: What best feature? Perfection means without flaw! (See Above)
ROLL OF A LIFETIME: The Brothers. Come lay on MY couch, and I'll make you feel all better!

WILL SMITH

WHY I LOVE HIM: He has that ultra-smooth look that can melt any woman!
FAVORITE FEATURE: I like his face, but love that body....
ROLL OF A LIFETIME: Bad Boys. It turned him from a goofy kid to a sexy man. Arrest me officer, arrest me!

DEREK LUKE

WHY I LOVE HIM: He has a rawness about him that translates into sexy!
FAVORITE FEATURE: His cheekbones and dark smooth skin
ROLL OF A LIFETIME: Antwone Fischer. He's still a newbie, but I'm expecting great ( and hopefully a little more nude) things.

LARENZ TATE

WHY I LOVE HIM: He has a boyish charm that draws me even when he's serious.
FAVORITE FEATURE: His great smile. It lights up his whole face!
ROLL OF A LIFETIME: Love Jones. The was the first time I realized "cute" men could hold their own. You want poetry? I have a private recital waiting just for you!


CHRIS ROCK

WHY I LOVE HIM: Money can do wonders! He when from a skinny, ghetto negro to a nice handsome man. He defintely earns the "Most Improved" Award on the list.
FAVORITE FEATURE: His smile, and those mischievious eyes.
ROLL OF A LIFETIME: Bigger and Blacker. He's not the best actor, but his comedy can't be touched.


WHITE ACTORS

BRAD PITT

WHY I LOVE HIM: If Morris is the perfect black man, then Brad is his white brother! Look at him! If only all 41 year old men looked like this....
FAVORITE FEATURE: His intense eyes, although I like everything about him!
ROLL OF A LIFETIME: Can I just pick one? Ocean's 12. Let me show the way I can lick an ice cream cone!


HUGH GRANT

WHY I LOVE HIM: Hugh has this goofiness that is so cute and sexy, and that accent doesn't hurt
FAVORITE FEATURE: His sexy English accent, and those pretty light eyes!
ROLL OF A LIFETIME: Love Actually. A prime minister like that would turn me into an expatriate in a hot second!


JOHNNY DEPP

WHY I LOVE HIM: He gets sexier with time and never seems to age. Also his roles are diverse, giving him a certain complexity
FAVORITE FEATURE: I'm not sure what it I like about him, maybe is smoldering eyes?
ROLL OF A LIFETIME: Chocolat. I was reintroduced to his sexiness after a very long draught. I have a chocolate kiss waiting just for him!


OTHERS

JAY HERNANDEZ

WHY I LOVE HIM: What's not to love? He's the tall, dark and handsome man I dream about!
FAVORITE FEATURE: His face seems to be perfectly symmetric.... I love eveything about him
ROLL OF A LIFETIME: Crazy/Beautiful. If Jay likes crazy girls, I can find a few issues for him to work out with me!


ERIC BANA

WHY I LOVE HIM: He swayed my heart with his breathtaking role as Hector! And I hear he can make me laugh too? Win, win!
FAVORITE FEATURE: He has a ruggeg jawline combined with soulful eyes.
ROLL OF A LIFETIME: Troy. Hector, Hector, I would have made sure you enjoyed you last days!


MULAN PRINCE

WHY I LOVE HIM: Cause he's the impossible! The hot Asian man!
FAVORITE FEATURE: His broad, manly face and body
ROLL OF A LIFETIME: Since he's not real, guess I can skip this one.


CHOW YUN FAT

WHY I LOVE HIM: For real though, I think he's the closest I can come to a good looking Asian man
FAVORITE FEATURE: I like the combination of asian features with his square face.
ROLL OF A LIFETIME: The King and I. Did someone say English teacher? I have a few lessons for you!

FALLEN FROM GRACE

DENZEL WASHINGTON

WHERE HE WENT WRONG: I love him so much, but DW is starting to let his age show a bit. And after Training Day I really felt like he needed to hit the training bag for a while.


TOM CRUISE

WHERE HE WENT WRONG: He had me at "Hello" too, for most of my adolescent life. But nowadays, his looks are with withering faster than a Magnolia blossom.


FLASHBACK CUTIE

KADEEM HARDISON

WHY HE WAS THE MAN: Dwyane Wayne represented (still does) exactly what I want in a man, intellegence and decent looks
FAVORITE FEATURE: This one was all about the mind, but he does have a nice smile!
ROLL OF A LIFETIME: Dwayne Wayne... If you want to write poetry about math, I'll listen to you all day long!

My reflection in the mirror

I did something that I don’t normally do today. I looked into a mirror while I was out in public. On regular day, I’ll check myself out a bit as I get ready, just to make sure I don’t have toothpaste on my mouth, or something stuck in my hair. After I get out the door though, I rely on faith that nothing terrible will happen that I might not catch. When I do absolutely have to face-off, I kinda do an overall check, without actually focusing in on the details of the reflection staring back.

It’s not that I have a phobia of mirrors or anything. It’s more like a phobia of myself. I don’t want to see the “me” that everyone else is seeing. I’m scared that my reflection might show something that I am not prepared to handle.

When I’m at home, there’s just me, the person I’ve been all my life. I see her everyday, I know what to expect. But the minute I step out of the door, all of that changes. At that time, I become subject to constant comparison of every other person I see. Do I look better than that woman? Is she cuter than me, smaller than me, more normal than me? Are they happier than I am? I feel caught up in the standards of the world around me, and I honestly have a very hard time being able to tell where I fit in. Rather than subject myself to all that, most of the time I just choose not to look at all.

Sometimes though, something happens and I find myself gazing into my own eyes. Maybe I feel really great, and I want to enjoy the few times I can see my own beauty. Or maybe I’ve had a horrible day, and I look at my own anguish, trying to find something to move me forward. Today I was just looking, hoping to find a glance of me, who I am really am, or maybe who I’m supposed to be.

Today I saw this movie where the main character was a 26 year-old guy, thrown into a situation above his head, just trying to make it. Ultimately, he realizes that he just doesn’t know where he’s going, but that the path thus far isn’t the right one. God, I feel like that all the time. Most of the people that I know feel like that too. When I looked into my post-college handbook, I must have missed the “Feel completely lost and uncertain about what you really want” chapter. All I was ever taught was that you go to college, get a great career, and live happily ever after. I had no idea that things could derail before ever getting started, or that there was such a thing as a “quarter-life” crisis. Is there some kind of secret conspiracy at work here? Why didn’t anyone tell me to watch out for this?

I just can’t seem to get myself on steady ground anymore. I can’t seem to solidify any relationship, I’m not satisfied with my job, and I still can’t make a decision on what I want to do in the future. I know “I want more in life”, but I’m not even sure what that statement means anymore. I’ve planned yet another move to try and make some sense of things, but I’m not sure that will help things either. In a way, I feel like I’m avoiding the problems in my life the same way I do the mirror, only I feel helpless to solve them.

I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed with all for a bit now, and the movie really pushed it to the forefront of my mind. It also pushed me to stare into that bathroom mirror. As I stood there, I allowed my eyes to really focus on what I was seeing. I even got a little closer, so I could see all the blemishes, and I turned so that I could get a side view. What I saw wasn’t glamorous. I am still not the gorgeous creature I wish I was, and my eyes don’t have the sparkle of someone in love with life. But I didn’t see someone horrid either, even with all the imperfections right there on the surface, so maybe there’s some hope for me. All in all, things were ok, and I made it through the experience intact. I just hope I can make it through this period in my life the same way.