Fun in the Sun

I'm going on a trip, a trip, a trip! I'm so excited to get away for this weekend. Soon, (in the next 48 hours, I'll be basking in the warm glow of the San Diego sun, with six of my closest friends.

Actually, with two of my closest friends, and three guys that I would count as friends if I knew them better. As happy as I am, I'm a bit apprehensive about this weekend, for a couple of different reasons.

Sidenote: I've notice lately I haven't blogged all the topics that I want to, because a few things have made we strongly aware of the lack of anonymity I have on here. I don't like the idea of having anything I write interepreted in a hurtful way towards people I care about, I just want to be honest about how I feel. That said, here are my reasons.

Reason 1- I really don't know everyone very well. Up to now, when I've gone somewhere with these guys it was always in a pretty large group. Even the times that I spent with them in college normally surrounded some type of event. A party, a dinner, or whatever. Those types of situations allowed me to do something that I'm pretty good at, avoid being the center of attention. Sure, I'm always somewhat social with all, but I tend to quiet down, stick to the sidelines a bit. I normally spend most of the time talking with the people I feel closest to, notably C-Breezy. With less people, the dynamic is sure to change, and I may have to open up a little more than I'm used to. That thought does scare me a little, but since I like these people, I'm sure it'll be alright. Lord knows, Panama says enough for us all, so I'll probably get of the hook anyway!

Reason 2- I'm close to both of the girls going this time, but I know that I tend to be drawn towards one more than the other most of the time. And both the times that I've gone on these getaways, the other girl didn't come. I'm slightly worried that this might cause a little tension at the beginning, cause she's never seen me behave like the rest of these people have. Funny thing is, the group is acutally seeing more of who am really am now, as a person. I'm concerned that she might not like my actions, or my interactions with people that are essentially her friends. It may sound silly, but I know how that is, cause I've been in that same spot. Still, if we can come to some happy compromise, I'm sure things will work out fine. Bottom line, I'm gotta be me, right? And you either accept it or don't.

Those are pretty much my only concerns, other than what to wear, and what to pack. This vacation is right on time, at the end of a very long project at work. And since my own computer has been down for the count for a few days (the stupid monitor broke), I definitely need something other activity to relieve my stress. I hope everyone is ready to have some fun! I sure am. If you're going, see you tomorrow! If not, we'll write all about when we get back.

Let's Hear it For the Boys, Hollywood Style!

DISCLAIMER: This blog does not contain one word of insightful thought, so if that's what you're looking for... check back in a few days (or read below)!

I've decided to write a blog to commemorate all the men involved in my Hollywood love life! These men are fine, and all of them deserve their moment in my spotlight! Give 'em love y'all!


BLACK ACTORS

MORRIS CHESTNUT

WHY I LOVE HIM: This should be self-explanatory. Morris is the finest man out there, hands down! This is pure perfection... Refer back if you ever forget what it looks like.
FAVORITE FEATURE: What best feature? Perfection means without flaw! (See Above)
ROLL OF A LIFETIME: The Brothers. Come lay on MY couch, and I'll make you feel all better!

WILL SMITH

WHY I LOVE HIM: He has that ultra-smooth look that can melt any woman!
FAVORITE FEATURE: I like his face, but love that body....
ROLL OF A LIFETIME: Bad Boys. It turned him from a goofy kid to a sexy man. Arrest me officer, arrest me!

DEREK LUKE

WHY I LOVE HIM: He has a rawness about him that translates into sexy!
FAVORITE FEATURE: His cheekbones and dark smooth skin
ROLL OF A LIFETIME: Antwone Fischer. He's still a newbie, but I'm expecting great ( and hopefully a little more nude) things.

LARENZ TATE

WHY I LOVE HIM: He has a boyish charm that draws me even when he's serious.
FAVORITE FEATURE: His great smile. It lights up his whole face!
ROLL OF A LIFETIME: Love Jones. The was the first time I realized "cute" men could hold their own. You want poetry? I have a private recital waiting just for you!


CHRIS ROCK

WHY I LOVE HIM: Money can do wonders! He when from a skinny, ghetto negro to a nice handsome man. He defintely earns the "Most Improved" Award on the list.
FAVORITE FEATURE: His smile, and those mischievious eyes.
ROLL OF A LIFETIME: Bigger and Blacker. He's not the best actor, but his comedy can't be touched.


WHITE ACTORS

BRAD PITT

WHY I LOVE HIM: If Morris is the perfect black man, then Brad is his white brother! Look at him! If only all 41 year old men looked like this....
FAVORITE FEATURE: His intense eyes, although I like everything about him!
ROLL OF A LIFETIME: Can I just pick one? Ocean's 12. Let me show the way I can lick an ice cream cone!


HUGH GRANT

WHY I LOVE HIM: Hugh has this goofiness that is so cute and sexy, and that accent doesn't hurt
FAVORITE FEATURE: His sexy English accent, and those pretty light eyes!
ROLL OF A LIFETIME: Love Actually. A prime minister like that would turn me into an expatriate in a hot second!


JOHNNY DEPP

WHY I LOVE HIM: He gets sexier with time and never seems to age. Also his roles are diverse, giving him a certain complexity
FAVORITE FEATURE: I'm not sure what it I like about him, maybe is smoldering eyes?
ROLL OF A LIFETIME: Chocolat. I was reintroduced to his sexiness after a very long draught. I have a chocolate kiss waiting just for him!


OTHERS

JAY HERNANDEZ

WHY I LOVE HIM: What's not to love? He's the tall, dark and handsome man I dream about!
FAVORITE FEATURE: His face seems to be perfectly symmetric.... I love eveything about him
ROLL OF A LIFETIME: Crazy/Beautiful. If Jay likes crazy girls, I can find a few issues for him to work out with me!


ERIC BANA

WHY I LOVE HIM: He swayed my heart with his breathtaking role as Hector! And I hear he can make me laugh too? Win, win!
FAVORITE FEATURE: He has a ruggeg jawline combined with soulful eyes.
ROLL OF A LIFETIME: Troy. Hector, Hector, I would have made sure you enjoyed you last days!


MULAN PRINCE

WHY I LOVE HIM: Cause he's the impossible! The hot Asian man!
FAVORITE FEATURE: His broad, manly face and body
ROLL OF A LIFETIME: Since he's not real, guess I can skip this one.


CHOW YUN FAT

WHY I LOVE HIM: For real though, I think he's the closest I can come to a good looking Asian man
FAVORITE FEATURE: I like the combination of asian features with his square face.
ROLL OF A LIFETIME: The King and I. Did someone say English teacher? I have a few lessons for you!

FALLEN FROM GRACE

DENZEL WASHINGTON

WHERE HE WENT WRONG: I love him so much, but DW is starting to let his age show a bit. And after Training Day I really felt like he needed to hit the training bag for a while.


TOM CRUISE

WHERE HE WENT WRONG: He had me at "Hello" too, for most of my adolescent life. But nowadays, his looks are with withering faster than a Magnolia blossom.


FLASHBACK CUTIE

KADEEM HARDISON

WHY HE WAS THE MAN: Dwyane Wayne represented (still does) exactly what I want in a man, intellegence and decent looks
FAVORITE FEATURE: This one was all about the mind, but he does have a nice smile!
ROLL OF A LIFETIME: Dwayne Wayne... If you want to write poetry about math, I'll listen to you all day long!

My reflection in the mirror

I did something that I don’t normally do today. I looked into a mirror while I was out in public. On regular day, I’ll check myself out a bit as I get ready, just to make sure I don’t have toothpaste on my mouth, or something stuck in my hair. After I get out the door though, I rely on faith that nothing terrible will happen that I might not catch. When I do absolutely have to face-off, I kinda do an overall check, without actually focusing in on the details of the reflection staring back.

It’s not that I have a phobia of mirrors or anything. It’s more like a phobia of myself. I don’t want to see the “me” that everyone else is seeing. I’m scared that my reflection might show something that I am not prepared to handle.

When I’m at home, there’s just me, the person I’ve been all my life. I see her everyday, I know what to expect. But the minute I step out of the door, all of that changes. At that time, I become subject to constant comparison of every other person I see. Do I look better than that woman? Is she cuter than me, smaller than me, more normal than me? Are they happier than I am? I feel caught up in the standards of the world around me, and I honestly have a very hard time being able to tell where I fit in. Rather than subject myself to all that, most of the time I just choose not to look at all.

Sometimes though, something happens and I find myself gazing into my own eyes. Maybe I feel really great, and I want to enjoy the few times I can see my own beauty. Or maybe I’ve had a horrible day, and I look at my own anguish, trying to find something to move me forward. Today I was just looking, hoping to find a glance of me, who I am really am, or maybe who I’m supposed to be.

Today I saw this movie where the main character was a 26 year-old guy, thrown into a situation above his head, just trying to make it. Ultimately, he realizes that he just doesn’t know where he’s going, but that the path thus far isn’t the right one. God, I feel like that all the time. Most of the people that I know feel like that too. When I looked into my post-college handbook, I must have missed the “Feel completely lost and uncertain about what you really want” chapter. All I was ever taught was that you go to college, get a great career, and live happily ever after. I had no idea that things could derail before ever getting started, or that there was such a thing as a “quarter-life” crisis. Is there some kind of secret conspiracy at work here? Why didn’t anyone tell me to watch out for this?

I just can’t seem to get myself on steady ground anymore. I can’t seem to solidify any relationship, I’m not satisfied with my job, and I still can’t make a decision on what I want to do in the future. I know “I want more in life”, but I’m not even sure what that statement means anymore. I’ve planned yet another move to try and make some sense of things, but I’m not sure that will help things either. In a way, I feel like I’m avoiding the problems in my life the same way I do the mirror, only I feel helpless to solve them.

I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed with all for a bit now, and the movie really pushed it to the forefront of my mind. It also pushed me to stare into that bathroom mirror. As I stood there, I allowed my eyes to really focus on what I was seeing. I even got a little closer, so I could see all the blemishes, and I turned so that I could get a side view. What I saw wasn’t glamorous. I am still not the gorgeous creature I wish I was, and my eyes don’t have the sparkle of someone in love with life. But I didn’t see someone horrid either, even with all the imperfections right there on the surface, so maybe there’s some hope for me. All in all, things were ok, and I made it through the experience intact. I just hope I can make it through this period in my life the same way.

A Car Ride to Remember

I think I've started this blog three times, and I'm determined to get my thoughts out this time. It's been a while since I've written anything, maybe because I've just had too many thoughts to give enough attention to any one topic. At least until last weekend...

It all started with my typical visit to the barber to get a cut. I hate to go, mainly because of my barber ( from here on referred to as Cecil) and his overbearing attitude. He spends a lot of time really trying to tell me how to live, especially since I told him about my decision to transfer my job across the country. He doesn't agree with my decision, but really I don't think he knows me well enough to have the right to make any kind of comment.

The one thing that has made my trips to the barber even partially enjoyable was the chance to glimpse the cute guys that naturally frequent. On one particular trip, I met this guy Will, who I mentioned in my Weakness blog. He was a friend of Cecil's who used to work at the shop, and was helping out while he was in town for a few days. I flirted a bit, but since he was just a visitor, I didn't give him too much thought. However, when I called to make an appointment and Will answered the phone, I was pleasantly suprised. I started hoping that he'd still be there on Friday when I actually went in, and he was. Cecil dominated the conversation as usual, so I didn't get much of an opportunity to engage Will in a casual chat, but I was able find out that he was back in town for good, and also that he remembered me from his previous visit. We did a little more joking, teasing and flirting, and by the time I left the salon I felt pretty nice, despite the fact that I'd agreed to attend church with Cecil and the family the following Sunday.

I wasn't too excited about having to get up at 7:30 AM Sunday morning. Being that I work late, that's often just about the time I'm crawling into my bed. I made the sacrifice however because I felt the need to keep my promise, so I pulled myself together, and threw on a nice sweater and a decent pair of slacks. And when I pulled up to Cecil's house and saw Will walking out of the front door, dressed so nicely in a jacket and pants, I knew that I'd made the right decision. I was elated to see him, excited at the chance to spend more time with him. My excuberance was flattened a few minutes later however, when he informed me that women in his church only wear dresses. I should have been prepared, as I'd noticed before that the women in Cecil's family never seemed to wear pants. Normally, I wouldn't really even go to place with such a restrictive rule, but since I was already there, Will was there, and I wanted to repect their beliefs, I quickly donned a borrowed skirt and jumped into the car for the 45 minute drive. I worried about what to expect ahead. Cecil had told me on a previous occasion that it was wrong for women to cut their hair, so I was prepared to experience some crazy cult stuff out there in the desert. But basically the service was normal, albeit long, and I found that I actually enjoyed the experience overall. By the time we started our drive back, I was feeling good, relaxed and mellowed, and totally unprepared for what happened next.

Have you ever had a talk with someone that changed you somehow? That's what happened with me and Will. It started out simply, me mentioning his choice to move back to Boise and give up his construction contracting business in Reno. But it quickly turned into far more than that. I've tried to write what was said, but nothing that I can type truly conveys the depth of our discussion. He questioned my responses to what he had to say, and he forced me to justify my own decisions to move, even went as far as telling me that he didn't agree with my plans. During that brief drive through the mountains, he pushed me to give of myself more than any person in the last two years, and I did it easily, for him. Although he opened up about his own situation, in response to what I'd said, he left me with only vague statments about why he thought I should stay. He never made a single solid gesture that he even liked me, but when I left the car, I felt like my center had been tilted by him and his words.

And that's pretty much where I'm at now, pondering the meaning of our talk. I can't stop thinking about him. I wonder why I allowed him to ask the things he asked, why I even gave him the right to pass judgement on what I had planned. I think about the way his words drew me into his feelings, and the improtance that I assigned to his opinions. I replay everything over and over, trying to find some concrete detail about his feelings for me. I have these strong feelings for him, so unlike a whimsical crush, and so different that meeting some guy in a club. I know I'm a different person than the one that got into his car that morning, and I no longer even think about him the fine-ass guy at the shop, as I once had. The thought that I might be wrong about his feeling sends me into a panic, and I can't breathe when thoughts of him run through my head. This isn't typical behavior for me, but this man is consuming me. I just don't know why.

He didn't ask for my number, although I feel and overwhelming urge to see him again, every day. I tried to think up excuses to go and see him, but I don't feel like that behavior is in the spirit of the feelings that I have. I have finally found a concrete reason for a visit, however, and I have every intention of telling him that I've thought long and hard about our discussion, and seeing where that leads. I know this enty is very jumbled, and I apologize, but that's exactly the way that I feel. I'll keep you posted on the details...

Zumanity, damn, damn, damn!

Damn it! I mean really. I've been doing some exploring lately, spreading out and reading more people's blogs than I usually do. And it seems like I all I keep running into is sex, sex, sex. People talking about sex, making out, having sex, describing wild sex sessions, even NOT having sex. I can't handle it. Now, I'm a grown woman, and I haven't sworn a vow of chastity or anything, so under normal circumstances this would be all good. Really, I love sex a LOT! I have a strongly-held belief that every person has some type of pornagraphy that gets them all warm/wet inside. I'm admitting right here, right now, that mine is Literotica. A good story, that I can really visualize, and the party's started for me. And therein lies the problem. I'm not getting any, won't be getting any anytime soon, and reading all this ish is wearing me out. But I figure, if I can't get away from the smut, might as well add to it, right? Right!

So, as you might have caught on in C-Breezy's last post, our friends go on trips every year to a number of different places. Last Labor Day, we converged on Sin City 13 strong! With our own rented house, pool, jacuzzi, $300 worth of liquor, 100+ degree temps, and lots of black ass everywhere, the weekend quickly turned into one big hot sex fest.

We started the drinking early, so by the time we actually stepped out of the house to see the Las Vegas strip, most of us already felt nice. Feeling a little daring that night, I dropped my low waist jeans a little lower for an obliging fan. The second night, I took part in a private game of "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours". But the third night is when temperatures really started to rise....

At the suggestion of one the guys, we decide to see the new, hot Cirque Du Soleil show, Zumanity. So eight girls and one dude set out to see the circus. I wasn't prepared for the onslaught of amazing sexual acts that I was entertained by. I'm sure the other guys will forever regret their lack of attendance. This show is really beyond my mere mortal words, but here are my favorite acts:

Two girls in a fish bowl- I can't say that I've never been curious about girl-on-girl action, though I've never tried myself. This was a fluid, always moving, playful, and curious exploration between girls as they discovered each other in new and exciting ways. I finished this act all warmed up.

The wrestling men- Again, same-sex interaction, but this time it was a lot more physical, with the men both fighting their feelings, and yet using their battle to succumb to it at the same time. This scene ended with a kiss so passionate, I could feel the energy in my seat, well away from the stage.

Rub-a-dub-dub- Two people in a U shaped tub. There was definitely a lot of slippin and sliding goin on! Watching them take a ride on top of that fantastic tub left me wet too, and in need of a nice cold shower.

Tie me up- Or better yet, just chain me up, and let me torture myself for pleasure. This was definitely one for the ears, and the whole theater was completely silent as this woman twisted, pulled and gasped her way up to a soaring climax, literally! I'm pretty sure everyone forgot to breathe for a few minutes while listening to her moans.


Needless to say, after that performance, I became Ms. Unsexstoppable! I let my groping friend cop whatever feel he wanted, and I flirted with every sexy black man I could find! I even, and this must be some type of miracle, pulled a black man away from a white woman (please hold all applause til the end!) So I know my game was on. Leaving him at the door of the club, I moved onto the sexy cutie Carlos. We grinded (is that a word?) on the dance floor for about an hour, until he begged me to leave with him, and you know I wanted to, right? But the night was young, and I couldn't leave my girls, so we exchanged numbers and I moved my flirt train right on. At the end of the night, just as we were about to leave, I found my first cutie of the night, who it seemed I stilled owed a dance... HE opted for a secluded chat in the corner as payback, which ended up with me straddling him while he kissed me into sweet submission, which is exactly how my friends found me. DAMN, that boy could kiss. So I decided to break the rules and let Sin City have its way. I said goodbye to my girls, prayed the guys wouldn't notice my absence, and had my own episode of "Taxicab Confessions" on the ride to his house.... I wish that I could say that what happened next was magical, but that would be a lie! My hot night went cold cause the Ni**a was the worst f@%k I ever had! Besides not being prepared (I never play in the rain without a jacket), his ass couldn't even seem to find where everything should go. I even fell asleep before the action even started! I left sad, disappointed, and basically still horny as hell!

But you know I couldn't end it like that right? After facing the Grand Inquisition back at the house the next morning (it seems my absence was noticed, after all!), I decided to call up sexy Carlos... And of course, he was willing to take my call. We met up later that night, and after a little small talk, we got straight down to business. I'm happy to say that he definitely took care of my, um, problem. Thank Carlos!

Upon returning the next morning, I was officially awarded the "Playa" Title for the trip. Probably the tramp title too... but I digress. It seems I was not the only one affected by the Zumanity bug, though! After a few drinks (actually there wasn't a time we weren't drinking, come to think of it), our leisurely Sunday by the pool quickly turned into what will forever be known as the "Zumanity photo shoot". There was a whole lot going on in the water that day, and I have the pictures to prove it! Quite a few people could have very promising careers in the, uh, film industry, I assure you.

Quote of the Day/Trip- "I didn't even see Zumanity, and it
changed my life."

There were lots of other side items during our trip, but to protect the innocent, and myself, I'm leaving those out. What happens in Vegas... well, you know! Just take heed! Once you go Zumanity, you can't go back!