Can You be My BOY Friend?

So yes, Gian, I’m back from the trip. It was great, and I think I did a pretty good job being myself, all in all. I got along with the guys well, although I fear I might have talked a few of them to death. My girl and I had no real issues, which actually was a surprise. I let her see my crazier side, and she didn’t freak out. In fact she joined in a bit, so it was cool. Sorry to report that I didn’t do anything too wild (well… made out w/ one guy in the club, but that’s hardly worth any excitement!) Other than a bit of a hangover from overdrinking my first night, it was a pretty mellow trip. One thing did happen that I want to write about though.

At dinner one night, for some reason I started talking about which of my guy friends I thought was the least attracted to me. That discussion sparked a question about who I thought might be the most attracted to me. I was at a loss about how to answer that, worried about the repercussions the answer might bring. Thankfully others were caught off guard too, so there was a bit of a ruckus, and I got off the hook without having to say anything. But it got me thinking about a theory that I’ve heard time and time again, about friendships between men and women.

Chris Rock says that men and women can never really truly be friends. According to him, basically any man that acts like your friend is just waiting for his chance to screw you. I don’t know if I believe that, but I read something else that I do agree with. In I Wish I had a Red Dress, by Pearl Cleage, one character lays out an idea about the ways men and women can be friends. Basically there are four different relationships, all based on sexual attraction. I didn’t wanna mess this up, so I actually referred back to the book.

First, both people can openly acknowledge that there’s some sort of attraction. This normally ends up with them going at it at some point, unless there is some type of obstacle that stands in their way, like a marriage. Obviously, this hardly ever ends in a real platonic friendship, because love/lust gets in the way.

Next is where only one party is attracted to the other. This type of relationship can last for a long time, with both parties getting along just fine. Then one day, the undercover admirer reaches a breaking point, and it all comes out. Definitely a delicate situation, and one that happens all the time. You’re hanging out with some guy/chick you think is cool, and the next minute someone’s making a declaration of love! It’s hard to bounce back after that, and this normally signifies the end of that relationship.

So what if neither party is attracted to the other? Well in this case, the friendship is doomed to fail. Normally these relationships are pretty simple and surface. When their reason for existence is removed, they just sort of dwindle and fade away. I think of this as the guys that I work with. We’re cool, but I don’t make attempts to spend quality extracurricular time.

Finally, there’s the one that I relate to the most. It where there’s some underlying pull between the pair, but both parties are unable and/or unwilling to act on those feelings. That energy is transferred into developing other types of connections, and creates the bond of friendship between the two. This is where real, deep friendships come from.

This is hardly a new topic, but this presentation really caught my attention, and I’ve kept it in the back of my mind ever since. The more I think about it, the more that I believe that it’s true. I’ve evaluated just about every relationship I have with a man, and excepting those with family members, I could classify them in one of these categories.

It’s easy to discount this at first glance, especially if you equate sexual attraction primarily with physical attraction. For me, I know that’s not always true. Hell, it's not even mostly true. Yes, a guy may be the hottest man in the room, causing a physical attraction. But another can make me laugh, cheer me up, and lift my spirits, appealing to me on an emotional level. And still another can intrigue me intellectually, challenge what I believe, and draw me mentally. I’m sure there are other types of attraction, but these would definitely be things I look for in a guy I’d date. And if they have any of the same feelings for me, then we have a match. Ironically, that doesn’t necessarily mean a romantic interest, because I wouldn’t dream of dating most of them.
But the underlying attraction is still what makes our friendship possible.

So if you read this, I’d like to know what you think. Do you think that men and women can be friends, no strings attached? Let me know!